Dead parrots

I saw this dead bird today - it must have grabbed onto the brick just before it died.

Since birds have a pulse of about a million heartbeats per minute, I would think that a majority would die from heart attacks when flying. It ought to be raining dead birds but I've never seen a single bird drop dead from the sky - so I'm wondering where and how birds die.

I could google this, but I kind of want it to remain a mystery. Like breasts.

Something cool

Congo-kids

Something about flying

The guy sitting next to me on airplanes, the Devil, comes in different forms but in general, he weighs 300 pounds. He's always late and after an exhausting rush to the gate, he squeezes down through the aisle to that precious empty seat next to mine. He will drop down with the grunt of a German pornstar - I think it's meant to be a conversation opener. Pearls of sweat are dripping from the tip of his nose and ears and his cheeks look like cheese that has been out in the sun too long. It will take him 10 hours to catch his breath but only 10 seconds to declare war by occupying the armrest. I know I'm defeated when I see people pointing and laughing at me eating with retarded dinosaur arms, while this monster is shamelessly violating my air space. After landing, he'll give me a nod and a smile, meaning "Thanks for the match. Next time I'm gonna shove my waist bag up your ass."

Something about odds

I have never been afraid of shots - not in the arm, not in the ass, not even multiple shots in my head (I was drunk when I had that though). I love it when nurses tell you that a particular shot might hurt a little and I can act as if I didn't feel a thing. Nurses get turned on by how cool I am with shots. I'm sure.

For this trip to Africa, I had to take Hepatitis A, Polio, Typhoid and Yellow fever. The first three were easy. Then came Yellow fever. Before they give you this vaccine, you have to sign a paper that you're aware of the potential side effects - such as inflammation of multiple organs including the brain.

One in a million dies within three days after getting this shot.

I tried to visualize how small the risk was by imagining a revolver with one single bullet in a million-chamber cylinder - but all I saw was a very big gun. And I know crossing a street in NYC is probably equally dangerous, but this was like waiting to cross and when the light switches to green, Dr. Death throws a diagram in your face and whispers the odds of you dying within 5 seconds. Maybe you don't have to cross that street after all. Or the Atlantic for that matter.

This nurse was not impressed. I panicked but I did it - signed the paper and took the needle.

Afterwards, I bought a lottery ticket and felt a lot better. I'm always convinced that I'll hit the jackpot. Always. And the odds that I'll both win the jackpot and die from that vaccination...

It's just not going to happen.